Food for thought

12/2025     Been in a slump lately. Between the holidays, mourning the loss of loved ones, and being single life has been a drag. I really am ok with being single though. I tried deactivating my tinder but couldn’t figure out how. 

     Advice from a co worker is to simply just make your bed everyday. I’m having a hard time with clutter. I think wrapping these presents and cleaning out a box out of my room will really help me.

     So how do you get out of a slump and get back on track? Start by making your bed. Take your vitamins. Text a friend. Do a 15 minute workout. Eat something healthy. Put on an outfit that makes you feel good. All of these small changes will lead you to feeling better. 

     Shopping is my personal form of therapy. Buying something new like a purse and cleaning your old one and hanging it up can do wonders. I live at my mom’s to afford my hobbies and that includes shopping. Shopping as a form of therapy is underrated.

     I have yet to share that I’m back in the dance studio. Although I wasn’t ready to perform in this years holiday gala I am hopeful for the future. Coach Derek Arcenal says he’ll have me ready to perform by end of the year recital and I couldn’t be more thankful. I know that takes work on my part though. I used to train hard in the studio but I never got good because I never did the extra work. Now I am committed. Just have to push myself in the gym.

     If any of you are feeling grief this holiday season or are feeling unmotivated please connect with me. I’m right there with you. We could be each others cheerleaders.

 

 

10/2025     2 more months left of the year. I have accomplished lots but apparently don’t have my priorities straight because I have not completely quit smoking. Well it’s been a week and a half since I last bought ciggerettes. I told everyoneee I was quitting on Halloween, bc Oct. 31st was the first date that came to mind when I decided I was going to put an end to it a month ago. (For the kids RIGHT lol!) I figured having a month to slow down would be the perfect amount of time before going cold/turkey.

     I really want this to be the year I quit smoking cigarettes I don’t need nicotine. It puts a strain on my relationships, smells bad, distracts me at work, disappoints my nephews, gives me a bad image, AND is bad for my health. My neighbor I grew up with told me if I quit smoking now, it’s not too late to reverse the effects it’s had on me so far. If I quit now my lungs will be repaired by the time if I get older. If I don’t quit, more time will pass, and eventually it will be too late. Bad for skin/ wrinkles, teeth, AND lungs. I’ve never given my lungs a break except for 1/1.5 years living in Texas. Since I started smoking weed at 14. If I don’t quit now I’ll regret it later.  I gave up weed again 1.5 years ago. Now is time to say goodbye to cigs. 
     I’m going to share my goodbye letter to cigarettes. Writing this goodbye letter to your substance of choice was something I did at a recovery center. It’s really freeing and I hope I’ll look back on this letter, post-Halloween, to remind myself and to keep myself from smoking.

Dear cigarettes,

     Thank you for the past 3-4 years of you & I time. Thank you for sitting with me in silence when you were the only person I wanted to talk to. I got out of the hospital quitting every substance cold turkey and you were there for me. Since then you were always there for me to depend on. Thank you for the sessions where you relieved my stress & anger. Chainsmoking while going through an argument made me feel so much better. I don’t know what I would’ve done during certain times these past 3 years without you. Heck, between the times of smoking on and off since I was 17? Thank you for relieving my stress at work. Nothing like taking a break from a night’s worth of side work to smoke w/ you and enjoy the outdoors - hot or cold. The whole point of smoking: an excuse to step out into the fresh air and to spend more time outdoors. YES, fresh air. Summers with you <3. Lastly, thank you for making things a lot cooler. Smoking you at a family party, or during a convo with a friend, made small talk even more enjoyable and memorable. Thank you for giving my mom and I time together. She was my #1 smoking buddy and a lot of recaps, debriefs, goals, and stories were shared between the 3 of us. My world came crashing down, just a few times lol, and you were ALWAYS there for me. Not only would I scroll reels for hours with you, but sometimes I would just sit in silence and admire the surroundings with ya in my right hand. You've become my “go-to”. 
     Don’t get me wrong, despite all the positive times together, we HAVE TO BREAK UP. I feel so stupid living for my Dad, knowing he DIED from you. Not only that but he’s not here chiefing on you, why should I be able to? Why should I not take his advice & “never pick up a cigarette”? He never knew I used to smoke, but he never knew I was going to pick it back up from that point on either. It’s never too late to turn something around though… here I am. Here I am proudly able to say I’m a dancer again, well I alwaysss have been, but now I’m taking actions to continue to be and become the role model I’ve always wanted to be… 

     Thank you for reading & holding me accountable. If you see me out smoking don’t make me feel bad about it - I’m not looking to be perfect, just better. I hope you take these 2 months to improve on something to make 2025 memorable, if you haven’t already. I’ll be your cheerleader <3. Don’t be hard on yourself.. take 1 day at a time. & to those smokers that don’t plan on quitting - I don’t blame you. Life can be so hard and trust me, I know cigs you can always count on - to relieve stress. I do encourage you to take my dad’s advice though and don’t always pick up that ciggarette. Smoke when you need to. Heck smoke when you feel like it, but ALWAYS appreciate it. Lots of LUV. Cheers to becoming better, together. And cheers to having guilt free vices. My best friend tells me “you have to do what makes you happy today, because tomorrow is never promised.” He always finds a way to talk me out of guilt and to live for today.  Side note: even wrinkles are beautiful bc aging is beautiful, and yellow teeth can be fixed with some white strips, but I don’t want any more loved ones to die from a disease like emphysema. I think I’ve said it all. I’m going to go smoke a well deserved cigarette, and I’m going to appreciate it, while I can haha.

                                                              LOVE,

                                                               Candy

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8/2025     In a really good place this summer. After getting back from visiting my sister, Sherrie, in FL (early July) I had a spontaneous next 2 months, to end summer, that were filled with fun.

     My good friend Richy and I went to a show for the first time since I went to Marshmello last year. I have a goal of attending at least one concert per year. The DJ was “What Say Not”. He ended the show w/ the popular remix to “if you want me…. *synth synth synth* if you need me”. It was nice to go out on a wim when I wasn’t expecting to. I was his wing women & I was fine w/ that as I have a new man in my life.. that I will write about later. We met this guy that looked so familiar to me.. I stopped and go “wait.. what. is. your. name.?!” He shot me down and it made me even more suspicious of this look alike long(er) term ex boyfriend of mine. People with the same facial features as my ex keep appearing in my life. What could this mean? Is it the law of attraction? I mean I am traveling, maintaining positive friendships, and am dateing now; all things I’d think he’d want of me. It’s just weird bc this guy looks like his TWIN.. he doesn’t have a twin. This look alike hung around us & I have a video of him dancing at the show on my Instagram. So weird to me. Life is weird. 
     One of my good friend’s lost his job & I was worried about his mental health. I checked up on him and asked to hangout until he agreed. We stopped by and talked to his parents, took Panther for a walk, cleaned my room, painted, and worked out. It was a good night. Another day we went to my cousin’s house. My friend was venting and my cousin said “all these things are just bring you closer to God.” Yesss. I needed to hear that after feeling like the good things I do go unnoticed in my small family. I applied that to my life undoubtedly. Such a good thing to remember - some things, the hard aspects of life, bring you closer to God. Anyways my friend became re-employed and things are looking up for him again <3. After burning a hole in my $170 lululemon pants my cousin also advised me to stop being clumsy. Lmaoo noted. I look up to my big cousin-he’s full of wisdom. He didn’t have an easy life and it’s nice to see him in a good place now with a great partner on his side. 
     End of July we took a trip to somewhere Mary and I saw has been really popular - Hocking Hills, OH. It was a 4 hour drive, but so worth it. Pictures couldn’t capture the beauty of the waterfalls and mossed-over woods. We stayed in a cheap cabin - AirBnB n I wanna rent it out again with a group of people (lmk if you’re in!!!). We went on nature trails, went antique shopping, and ate at the same in-town bar a couple of times. Nothing like a cold beer in the woods.

     Last but not least was an old time bestfriend of mine, Nikki (now) AUSTIN’s, wedding on August 15th. I knew her wedding was going to be beautiful like her sister’s, but I didn’t know I was in for such a great time. I got to catch up with a couple of old time friends and in conclusion.. I’m so happy to hear that they are all doing good & are happy. The night flew by but the couple minutes I spent talking to the girls were worth while. Shout out to Missa, Allie, Jessica, Monique, Zel, and Ana. It’s been 10 years since I’ve seen those girls and it was great sharing the same energy together again for Nikki.
I want a copy of the playlist bc it was phenom. Should have expectd that from Nikki. Nikki and I used to bond over long drives listening to music, she used to send me new music when asked, and she even wanted to become a dj back in college.. no joke. I barely got to talk to Nikki but that’s ok she had 200 guests to entertain and I understand that.
The highlight was hanging out with her twin, my “Missa”. Nikki texted me after and said my card made her laugh & cry and I felt accomplished. I wrote about Nikki & Shaun’s relationship from the beginning through my eyes. I said I remember when you first told me about Shaun.. the way you talked about Shaun I knew you were falling in love”. Later in the letter I said “when I met Shaun I got to see Shaun loves Nikki just as much”. <3.

I got to sit next to her aunt I haven’t seen in years and later on got to catch up n dance w/ the twins grandparents - who I have so many childhood memories with. Of course throughout the night I was asked if I was dateing, and my current love situation I’m grateful for because - I was able to give the news that I happily have a boyfriend. Well not really.. I want to wait to become official, but I’ve been off the market since 6/22/2024 <3. I loved celebrating love while in love, weddings can be such a drain when you’re so single. Anyways I’m happy to give the news and say he makes me happy. He’s so careing, funny, and hardworking. I was asked if we have plans of getting married and alls I have to say is we have talked about the future and I am both nervous and hopeful. I don’t like getting attached to people because I know good things fall apart and I protect myself from getting a broken heart at all costs. 
     Well that’s all I have for now. Finishing up Summer with a boat ride with the family in Fenton Wednesday. I’m sad summer is over, but of course excited for the Christmas season. Started my Christmas shopping already & I highly recommend you do the same - so you don’t have a huge expense coming out of your account at once.

Let me know if you want me to share the trails we went on in Hocking Hills.. I highly recommend the visit. Xoxox

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7/2025     Back to talking about death… this time around it’s important though as it’s my Dad’s 10th anniversary this weekend. 10 years without him here.. haven’t been able to tell him about my experience graduating college, moving to a different state, teaching kids, going back to waitressing, times in the hospital, getting back into dance. He hasn’t been here to watch me grow into being an adult. I haven’t gotten to tell him my mom and I get along better now, update him on how my nephews are doing, tell him Uncle Bobby and my Grandma passed, have lost young friends, my sister and her family moved back to MI, he wasn’t here to know my older sister, his oldest daughter, moved to the Sunshine state and so on. On the positive side, I know he’s up there watching me and has been there for me more than he would have been if he were still living here. A lot has happened in the ten years he left us for heaven. I remember the day like it was yesterday, but I feel like 10 years is accurate because it feels like such a long time since I last saw him.

     Last time was a couple days before the fourth 2015. I was at his house deciding what I’d be doing for the fourth. I decided to go to Higgen’s Lake with sorority and fraternity friends. He gave me some money - he never paid my mom child support but once I turned 16 I could count on him to give me a couple hundred bucks when I asked. I would always say “THANK YOU DADDY”. He was “Daddy” to me until the day he died. He wasn’t doing good. A couple weeks before I called my sister mary crying telling her about how he was on a oxygen tank having coughing attacks in the short visit I had with him and she said “I’m so sorry Candy, he’s not going to make it much longer”. While I was there I got up and started picking up. He yelled at me “stop, don’t touch anything this is my mess, it’s dirty”. I just wanted to help, but he wouldn’t let me. As I was leaving because my friend/ sorority sister Kristine was picking me up soon for my last minute decision to join on Higgens, I held the door open and said “Dad. Please stop smoking. You’re going to die”. That was the last thing I said to him </3. Friends I’ve confided in about it have made me feel better about my last words to him; I was just showing that I cared. And tried to do what I could. Once we got to Higgens I got a voicemail from him. It said “Candy call dad.” I’m assuming I’m the last person he tried calling before he passed. I felt guilty about it for awhile, but I’ve come to terms that it was just his time to go. His friend found him at his kitchen table unresponsive. Probably rolling a cigarette. Yes he smoked on a oxygen tank. He died from emphysema. He said to me “I never want you to pick up a ciggerette. It’s a nasty habit. I don’t want this for you”. And I feel terrible thinking about it as a smoker today. I’ve taken steps, have cut down, and on my journey to quitting now. When he passed I didn’t have my phone on me as some sister’s and I were all enjoying the last couple of hours on a boat. When we got to the car to head home I seen a million calls from my mom and I was already concerned about what happened. I called my mom and she told me “Candy your dad died, I thought it was you when the police came to the door, I almost passed out”. I sat in silence and tears fell down my face. I was in denial. Kristine, KP, was there for me in every way she could. I will always cherish her as a friend as she had to face the first couple of hours of me not having my dad living here on Earth with us. 
     The next couple months are times I never want to live over. I spent all my time in bed crying. I was working an internship and forced myself back to work. My mom and I decided time at work would be good for me to keep my mind off of it. The funeral I wouldn’t have been able to get through if it weren’t for my sister Sherrie. My boyfriend Kyle came to town to attend with me and the first people there were a group of work people from my internship at pulse220. It meant so much to have my work family there. They got me a beautiful edible arrangement and my email was flooded with sympathy messages when I got back to work. They left before the service started - they left it up to me if I wanted them to come in or not. My 1020 college roommates + good friend Mitch all showed up: Mo, Alyssa, Dani, Chantal, and Sarah. Some cut their days short at their big girl jobs just to be there. “I had to. My college roommate’s dad died”. My bestfriend Nikki and sorority big Natalie came for the luncheon. After I spent the day with some of my all time fav people on this planet: Nikki and Kyle. 
     Now you’ll barely ever catch me without my phone. I’ll never forget my sister Mary saying to me sternly “Candy. You need your phone”. I don’t want to miss an important call from someone ever again. I learned my lesson the oh so very hard way.

     I miss my Dad’s laugh. I miss bonding over my mom and him telling me “she’s a witch she’s a witch” with that iconic laugh. He was always so happy, so funny, and took every opportunity to laugh. What I would do to have his name pop up on my phone, to get a call from him, or funny, but misspelled text from him again. 
     When I open up about my Dad passing, I always explain it like “it’s ok.. my Dad wasn’t always apart of my life. I would be way more lost if it were my mom that I lost. Because my mom raised me as a single parent.” Not gunna lie though.. my dad was way more fun. He played board games with me for hours, took me to the park, Bailey center water park, played sports with me, took me to friend’s houses, took me to AA clubs. I loved my Dad. I’ll always be a Daddy’s girl.

     So every 4th, especially every 4th since 2015 has been completely depressing. This 4th I’m changing that-I’m going to go celebrate in Clearwater Florida, at my sister (Dad’s daughter) Sherrie’s place for the first time. It will be good to be in her presence and my Dad will love to see that we’re together. My Dad loved the 4th of July. Which is why it’s so crazy that he passed during that time. 4th of July parties at his house were huge when I was growing up. He lived across from Central City Park when the Westland festival/ carnival was still around. So we had front row seats. So we’re going to do second best thing than being at my Dad’s, and watch fireworks together on the beach… <3. This vacation is for you Dad. I know you’ll love seeing us together. Xoxoxo

 

 

6/2025     Something has to be really “moving” in order for me to jump on here and write one of these blog posts. Last Friday gave me one of those waves of inspiration. Psychic readings are typically private, along with other things I’ve talked about on here, but I feel like it would be selfish of me to keep this piece of information to myself. 
     Ever forget what we’re working for? Not just money, because the world revolves around money. But what we’re doing with our morals, kindness, and health. I think sometimes we forget we’re doing it all for our place in after life. And if you’re like me, I can admit sometimes I loose sight of my angels and forget they’re here with us, watching us. I know people have angels that they haven’t gone a day without thinking about and that’s such a hard, yet beautiful thing, but I’m going to be ugily honest: sometimes I’m so caught up in everyday life and patterns I forget to spend time with all of my angels. I’ll be honest and say I think even my dad has slipped my mind some days. If I don’t say my little prayer at night, or hear someone talk about their father, I have nothing pointing me towards him, or reminding me of him. Last Friday woke me up and reminded me not to go a day without remembering my angels. We live through them and for them. They made us who we are, and when they left us they made us mentally stronger, morally better, and physically healthier. 
     When I heard the psychic was using tarot cards I was skeptical and turned off by her practice. For my own reasons I don’t necessarily believe in (all/ everyone’s) tarot reading practices. When I got there I was talked into doing the whole reading thing by a good family friend and I was open to getting my own first psychic reading done. As I sat and listened to the psychic’s introduction I was still unsure if she was legit, but I respected her for her positive and spiritual insight. She expressed that sometimes us humans will ask for a sign from our angel’s and they will send it and we will ignore the sign and ask why we aren’t getting responses. She believes that the butterfly that landed on your shoulder was a sign from after life that came right after you said out loud “I miss you, show me you’re here”. Not until the first couple minutes of my reading did I get blown back by the power of her third eye and her mind blowing, special gift. 
I was nervous. I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about for 15 minutes. I didn’t want to talk at all actually because I felt like if I told her anything, she would just be feeding off me and the reading would be bs/ a waste of money/ a joke on me. So ya I had a lot of doubt but was still interested in her. Anyone that believes in the third eye is one of my people - as I have spent a lot of time researching it and igniting my own third eye these past few months. She opened our session by explaining the ways in which she connects with the universe, asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about or know specifically, and wanted to know if I had any questions. I told her I wanted her to tell me what she was feeling and reading/ I didn’t have anything I wanted to talk about. Then I asked my one question, “so does this mean you’re going to be connecting with MY angels?” She looked to the side, paused, smiled and said, “your.. UNCLE.. just said to me ‘well of course you are, we’re here’ and laughed ha ha ha”. She kept going with confidence, not even stopping to ask if she was correct that I have an uncle in heaven; she just knew it was him. I smiled at her as my eyes naturally teared up. My Uncle Bobby had a laugh I would pay big money to hear one more time. He was full of laughter and happiness. I just knew it was real because he found humor in everything and he always shared happiness with us by expressing his words with that iconic laugh. After the reading I told my mom and she laughed and said, “yeah that sounds like him :).”
     A family friend over heard and commented how on point I was for that weekend up north at his funeral. That was a really kind thing to say to me and it gave me the pleasure to reflect on it. The rest of this blog is dedicated to those who knew Uncle Bobby. There are details I’ve kept to myself I wouldn’t mind my cousin’s reading. Before I let you go I want to simply express how lucky I am to have angels looking after me. I hope this post inspires you and reminds you your kindness doesn’t go unnoticed and you’re not alone. And reminds you you are loved by your angel(s) and ME. People who love you are everywhere. Thanks for taking the time to read again. I now encourage you to get a psychic reading and/ or ignite your third eye. There’s nothing I can tell you that you won’t find out from a little research. It’s really interesting and life changing. 
     My co-worker asked me what’s new and I told her about the psychic reading. She goes “oh no, you’re not supposed to do that.” I go: “??” She goes, “not biblically anyway.” I defended, “I didn’t know that, I wasn’t even thinking of that”. I respect her opinion, but my own belief is that we are all sinners and will all be forgiven and welcomed to heaven. Even if you don’t follow all of the rules in the Bible. Now that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any remorse for sinning. You should still do whats right from wrong. I just think we are all working on these things for our place in heaven. IMO.
     I had this joke with my mom’s oldest brother that he was my “Favorite Uncle Bobby”. I have 3 uncles total. Uncle Bobby is one of the four of my mom’s awesome hippy siblings. He passed in 2016. After I graduated college. I was going through an extremely challenging time working my first 8-5 m-f office job,

balancing my internship gigs, moving back into my mom’s, being away from my college friends, first year without my dad, first year in 2-3 years of being on my own-single, and experiencing a relative with cancer for the first time. I had just lost my dad and then on 9/11/16 I was in the room with my Uncle Bobby, his wife/ my Aunt Lorraine, and my cousin Rob when my Uncle Bobby took his last breathe in hospice. My dad and Favorite Uncle Bobby are the two people I had ever really experienced death with. When my mom told me he was going into hospice I drove up there to be with family and to see him for the last time. It was hard for me to believe and I wasn’t really accepting reality. In fact I went through psychosis and was hospitalized right after..

     The family asked me if I wanted to give him a bed bath. Of course I would. When I did tears streamed down my face like never before. This was after I showed up, with a smile to see my favorite Uncle Bobby awake in bed, and he said “It’s Candy!!” Or “Hi Candy!!” I don’t really remember what he said exactly, I just remember how happy he was that I was there with the rest of the family. Happy as someone that wasn’t living through their last days here. From my understanding he was in pain. Sleeping a lot. I cried walking around the garden, calling my sister begging her to fly in and be there with us. She just couldn’t. Uncle Bobby was such a staple for her in her life also, she couldn’t face the pain to see him go. I told her I would read him the letter she wrote him even though I didn’t want to, because it made me nervous. I read it while he was sleeping. If I remember correctly my cousin told me he was listening. My sister asked me to take a picture of him in hospice which my mom scolded me and told me that wasn’t right, but I did it for my sister anyways. My sister really wanted to see him for the last time.
     Uncle Bobby was a Vietnam Veteran. He hardly ever spoke about what he saw/experienced. My Grandma got a letter in the mail back in the day saying he passed at war and wouldn’t be returning. They were wrong.. he didn’t die at Vietnam and he had many more years to live with us - before cancer took him from us on NINE ELEVEN.
     I used to spend weekends up north at his house, that was so big to us, with their cousin Alyssa and some of my cousins which were his 3 kids. What I would do to go back to those days with the family in West Branch. On a ski trip he was trying to convince me and my cuz Ben to “simmer down now” as he yelled “simma don na” and made us laugh with that memory ever since. Smiley faces remind me of him because West Branch had a yellow water tower with a face on it. Ever since he passed I’ve noticed smiley faces everywhere-reminding me of my Uncle Bobby. I road with my Uncle Tommy, Mom, and Grandma (his mom) to the funeral. My Grandma sat with me in the back seat and looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “this wasn’t supposed to happen like this you know”. She didn’t want her son to die before her. When he began kemo my mom tried to keep it from her because we knew how worried and hurt she would be.
     The family wasn’t as close when Uncle Bobby moved them up to West Branch, when my sister left the state, and when my cousin moved to Florida, but it really broke on 9/11/2016 when he passed. It broke even more when my Blama then passed away. Then his wife, my Aunt Lorraine. Before you know it our family barely ever got together again without these important people here with us..unless it was for a funeral. 

     This psychic reading puts all that sadness behind me and excites me to continue working on myself on my journey to.. heaven.. where we will all be reunited in love. I’m just so thankful my family friend talked me into getting my reading because out of everything the psychic told me, the most important part was the reminder that my Uncle Bobby who I had to say goodbye to almost TEN years ago, is here laughing with me today… like it was yesterday <3..

     I don’t know how to end this post. I wrote it with tears, and crying is unusual for me. Well I hope you got something out of it. LOVE, Candy. Xoxox

 

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4/2025     “It’s just a strange thing when you get in the ocean when you haven’t been in awhile. You climb in and you feel it moving around you and pulling and the water just feels different. It feels like it’s a living thing. Like you dunk your head under and you look at this world that’s 3 quarters of the surface of the Earth. And it’s so vibrant and you see people that are surfers that just get drawn into its spell and it just becomes apart of their life to ride that that energy and to feel it and the addiction they get to it..you can’t dominate the ocean at all. You have to receive her. And you, if you, have any brittleness in your ego she will kick your ass until you just blend.” (IG: @byinvincibull)

I love this quote after it came to me after my recent visit to the ocean. My tattoo is of a wave with my dad’s initials and theres so much meaning behind it. Because the water, the ocean, has so much meaning. It represents chaos, the subconscious, the

unfathomable. t.
My dad loved being on his boat in the water. Which is what inspired my tattoo when he passed in 2015. In Cabo in 2016, a trip I got to take with my bestfriends that I gifted myself from my dad, I saw my dad walking the beach. I woke up on the beach screaming “dad!!” And my best friends were concerned, “Candy! What!!?” I got to explain my dad reaching me as a life like hologram saying “Candy I’m here with you!! Wowww this is so beautiful! I’ve never been here before!!” I’ll never forget it. My dad had expressed to me dreams of taking me places before he passed away. It was truly a gift from my angel, on a trip that was made possible from that angel, that I will never forget. It makes sense because Mexico is the closest place to heaven I’ve ever been to. 

I made a budget for this last minute trip to my cousin’s in Fort Lauderdale (this past March) at her and her husband’s house on the water. I’ll share with you I spent only $400 all on new clothes, a Polynesian show, and Everglades tour. Without treating myself to Starbucks everyday and a couple fancy cocktails I could’ve spent even less. So I encourage my readers to take that $200 flight to explore the ocean or mountains. It might give you a piece of heaven: flying in the clouds/ seeing nature we don’t quite have access to in Michigan; the SEA is only a plane flight away. The trip revitalized me and left me going back home with memories and a fresh mindset. You can’t put a price on an experience.. one that renews you. If you want travel recommendations to ball on a budget, or want me to share what my budget entails with you - I got you! 
Last time we went to my cousin Leeha’s/ Nic’s it was for a a girl cousin’s trip, but this time we went for my youngest nephew’s spring break because he’s never seen the ocean before. I chaperoned him by the wake making sand castles for like 45 minutes. He was too busy for me to talk him into joining the rest of the family’s conversation on the towels over a few feet up in the sand. I made time pass while making content for my Instagram and reflected on how lucky I was to be there, watching the waves. After I got my sister to take over I thought to myself, “I’ll always have that memory with my nephew, being just 9 y/o, where he was so content playing in the sea, laughing as he barried my feet in the sand; as the water washed it away.”

As I’ve gotten older I’ve become more fearful of things I’ve never thought twice about. Friends and I used to ride waves in the ocean, getting stung by jelly fish and what not. I only went in knee deep this time - which is just fine for me. One of my youngest nephew’s qualities that really amazes me is how brave he is. There was a shark knee deep in the water one day and his mom said he couldn’t go back in because his dad would be mad at her. His response was, “maybe we just don’t tell him and I can” lol. He also wanted to see the alligators in the Everglades.  My sister and her family and I did that one time we were in Miami back in 2010 when my oldest nephew was his age. I wasn’t scared/ nervous then but this time around was different. Anything could happen. What if the airboat broke down? What if the alligator lashed out on the performer during the gator show? But I was a trooper and joined the family on the excursion. I tipped the tour guide more than anyone and I think me being so generous was just a response to my thankfulness we made it through it safe lol. Jack my nephew even held a baby gator. 
The 4 days away was also a detox for me. I came back stronger and ready to combat silly addictions. My cousin Leeha and sister expressed they were proud of me. Leeha told me I seemed calm and happy. I really was! Spending time with her means so much to me. We got pura vida friendship braclets - $20 well spent. Profits goes to support artisans across the world. Next we’re talking about getting all the cousins to go down there. That and a solo trip just her and I where she plans on taking me out in Miami :-). I also have to visit my other sister, Dad’s daughter, in Clearwater at some point. She’s lived down there for a couple years. So now that I’m employed, I can look forward to these trips. It’s important to have something you’re looking forward to. Something to have locked in that you’re working for. 
My favorite part of this trip was our last day watching the sunrise on Deerfield Beach. It happened fast and the camera couldn’t fully capture the beauty. It was such a fulfilling hour of my time there. 
Taking a vacation made me miss people I spend time with at home. It’s healthy to have time apart from the mudane. Reuniting with my cat helped me cope with coming back to the grey, cold weather. Being away from these people and my cat made me more grateful to have them, and a job, to come back to. My co-worker said it was “greyer” at work without me that week and that was reassurance that I’m in right place. 
Hope my trip inspires you to get that ticket. Reminder, in the waves of change, you find your true direction. <3
 

2/2025     After reading a quote that reminds you someone is always there for you, whether it’s a friend, family member, or stranger, I wanted to get on here and share one of my recent experiences. This summer I reached a high level of happiness. One I can’t truly explain - because you’d think I’m crazy and because I don’t think many can relate to it. Anyways, you know that part of grief that hits you when something good happens to you? You want to tell your loved ones that passed away your good news? Well I didn’t necessarily have news to share, but this side of grief hit me. I was thinking, “I wish my friend who took his life knew life could get this good. I wish he lived to reach this level of happiness to make up for whatever was lacking in his life”. With tears in my eyes I carried on with my mom to run an errand. She asked me if I was ok and I said something like, “yeah some deaths are just weighing on me today.” When I got to Sephora I saw a huge Urban Decay advertisement with the color purple as the back ground. Purple reminds me of my beloved elementary-beyond friend, Codey. It sounds silly but Violet is a shade of purple and Violet was Codey’s high school+ (now ex) girlfriend. I have many memories with Codey and Violet - hanging at Mikey’s after school, getting picked up on Christmas for a whip, having them meet my college boyfriend when we went to a high school friend’s party together, and so on. After already holding back happiness because I have loved ones that aren’t here with me during this peak, tears streamed down my face when I seen that purple color. No joke a stranger, or should I say angel, nudged me. We didn’t look at each other, but I stood there next to her in comfort as the tears fell down my face. To know there’s people out there, that you don’t even know, that are there for you, is beautiful. My mom walked up and saw me wiping my tears. She goes “color?” She didn’t know my thing with purple/ Codey, but she must know that colors can be a common trigger. It felt good to cry. Isn’t it beautiful to know you got to experience a relationship so important to you that it makes you want to cry when it’s gone? I think I cried maybe once in 2024 and it was a year of hitting rock bottom (again). I’ve grown to not be a cryer. When people pass I just live in shock. I get teary eyed, but rarely seem to form actual tears. It felt good to be that happy yet sad at the same time. It felt good to cry because I was holding those tears back for a long time. When I found out about Codey and Mikey passing I couldn’t fully process it because I was at work. Yeah it was embarrassing crying at Sephora, but my vulnerability allowed me to cross paths with a stranger that changed my whole day. It reminded me there are good people out there. Strangers. 
Sorry a lot of my posts seem to be morbid, but thanks for letting me share about my sadness that I don’t have the option to hit up one of my close guy friends anymore - one that I have memories going back to second grade with . Although I don’t think Codey and I would be close today, he still holds a huge piece of my heart as one of my “homies”. He’s the first person that taught me about illuminati and I’m wondering if he was still here, if maybe I would share with him what I was experiencing in summer. He must have answers now and I can’t wait to find some of those answers with my own experience, on my journey to the beautiful place he’s at now, the place we live to call “heaven”. Cherish your friends because you never know. Reminder I’m here for any of you. Reminder you will reach peaks of happiness and they will make up for periods of sadness. I might not be able to fully relate to being suicidal, but I know what it feels like to not want to live anymore. Don’t give up. Speak up to remind others they are not alone. You never know what someone is going through. 
 

1/2025     Something you might not know about me/ something I don’t really talk about, that I want to talk about, is my experience with seasons of depression. I know what it feels like to forget how to do your make up, to sleep for months at a time. I’ve experienced grief where I wasn’t accepting reality, crying for my loved one to come back. I know what it feels like to force yourself out of a hole, make yourself get a part time job, and squeeze into a pair of jeans for the first time in what feels like forever. I have pictures I look back on where I’m SEVENTY TWO lbs heavier than I am now - which I can say I’m at my happiest. I’m not proud of those times, but they taught me the lessons I carry with me today. 

One of my favorite quotes is “get up, dress up, and never stop showing up”. I also live for the advice to wear something you feel confident in. There are tools you have to get you through the hard days. As a past mentor of mine, Natalie, pointed out on one of my recent posts, you have to prepare during the good times for strength to get you through the bad times. And that’s the truth. Never be blind sided from something bad happening, it’s inevitable. Even at your best, life will throw something at you and you’ll find yourself wanting to just fall. It will probably happen at an unexpected time. There you can “remember how far you’ve come and watch yourself handle situations better than you would have previously”. Be thankful for trials and tribulations. They are apart of your story. They give you something to talk about. Don’t you get sick of people that seem to have everything always going right for them and never have to face heart ache? Because you want to see real. You want to be able to connect with others on a deeper level where you can share your trials and tribulations. That’s when real bonds are formed.

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A past co-worker of mine, Zennie, took the time to get to know me while opening up about her life. I got to know her outside of work and learn what shaped her into who she is. She asked me questions about my life and listened to my problems. Having just moved to a new big ginormous state, during a time of heart break, uncomfort, and during a season of growth, it was nice to have a cheerleader. “Even though she’s younger than me, I look up to her.” She encouraged me to start eating healthier and work out again. She even brought me to the first dance class that I’ve not taken in so long - taught by a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, Michelle Keys. Our lives were so different, but when you find that you have the same passion, you click. Us dancers, we “get it”. Training countless hours in the studio gave us a strong work ethic. You learn someone is always going to be better than you, but nobody can take away the feeling you get when performing. We are story tellers.
 

Another co-worker from Texas, Cristina, opened my mind to journaling. “You’re probably going to look back on what you wrote and hate it. So what you do is crinkle it up and burn it.” I have journals stored that make me cringe when I go to read them. But it’s powerful to have an added outlet for your thoughts and feelings. It’s beautiful to have documentation of your past experiences where you were at a different place in your life. You’ll read things you forgot about and feel things you forgot the feeling of. 
 

My sister, Mary, was blessed with a friend like I had - one who was from our school in Michigan and also moved down to the Dallas area. Mary’s friend told her she wrote in her journal everyday since she had kids or something like that. How amazing is that, for your loved ones to have that to look back on, God forbid something happens to you when they’re not expecting it. If you don’t have kids like me, I encourage you to journal for yourself. To find the importance and meaning behind each day. Swear you’ll become a more grateful person and will feel more accomplished.  

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I love writing these blog posts because I can share anything that comes to mind. When I’m bored I like to look back on my words and feel validation for my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the best advice you can get comes from yourself.

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I’ll share with you that when I was younger I wanted to be a content writer for a teen’s/ women magazine when I grew up. I never got there and I’ll never get there, but at least I’m writing every day. Like Andy in The Devil Wears Prada, her dad was scolding her for her job as a fashion assistant, not feeding into what she’s meant to do, which was to write. She goes, “that’s not fair, I wrote those emails..”. I have to remind myself just being a waitress that I’m still doing things everyday that I envisioned for my future self. I might not have my dream job as a magazine editor, but I still write. I may not be a flight attendant like I drew myself as, for an elementary school art project, but I travel (when I can). I might not be an event planner like I worked for in college, but I plan and prepare for everything I do, have hosted parties for my nephew’s birthday, etc. I originally went to CMU to become a teacher, and I lived out that aspiration by teaching tumbling and day camps at The Little Gym. I planned for dance to be apart of my life, which I still keep in contact with my coaches and know I have a studio to drop in at for an alumni class if I push myself to. Yeah I’m just waitressing now, but sometimes I get to make someone else’s day, and do it as my job. 

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So today reflect on your experiences and define the tools that are going to get you through life’s next challenge. I know when you look your best, you feel your best. I know I might not have a Natalie, Zennie, Cristina, or Cassadie on my team anymore, but I carry the wisdom they shared with me years ago. I know not everyone has your best interest in mind, and some people might seem to not know what it feels like to be truly depressed, but there are people, tools, and hobbies out there that will help you through the curve balls life throws at you. 
 

One of my ex’s argued with me “not everything is sunshine and rainbows”. Yeah I might seem to always be happy/ peppy, but that’s just because I tend to go through things alone. I try to be the person you want to be around. I try to look on the bright side. Trust me though, I do know for a fact there’s always always always bad with the good, good with the bad. I might tend to avoid conflict and suppress my feelings, but that doesn’t mean some of my relationships aren’t falling apart, currently.
 

Life was going so good for awhile. And now.. I’m finding myself holding onto something and it’s breaking me. I’m reading that God won’t take away anything from you that he can’t replace with better. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but that’s not to say I haven’t lost sleep and felt resentment. Deep down this argument is stealing my happiness and I definitely don’t feel like every thing is all sunshine and rainbows rn.

The video I posted on my Facebook a couple days ago asks: don’t you wish everyone treated love like it’s not permanent, because it isn’t.. it’s loaned to you. To love anything is to set yourself up for pain. He says but I love that pain, because that pain makes me realize I got to experience the love.  

I can’t find space in my heart to loose another friend, but at the same time I have learned my boundaries. And I can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry.. alls I can do is question: what is this teaching me? What can I do next time to not loose sleep over something or someone and how can I prevent it from controlling my day/ mood?
 

A friend reached out after reading this post to check in on me and tell me to not take things personally. I appreciate it. Thankful for you. Xo 

 

12/2024     “Don’t give up. What you have now is what you used to wish for.” This is such a strong statement. Ehh if I were to open up my time capsule from high school I’d  become severely let down considering I do not own my own dance studio today, or have kids of my own, but I can honestly say I’m happy with where I’m at. I remember when my previous therapist (Aida) and mentor (JJ) used to emphasize I’m on a journey of finding myself. Tears would fill my eyes and I didn’t quite know what that even meant. Now, I can tell you exactly how I’m going to make my day a great one. (“No more bad days”). I learned to put trials and self doubt behind me and just be happy. It took a lot. A lot of different therapists, jobs, friends, and even spaces. Each of those things is there for the seasons of your life. “I’ll never regret anyone I had an amazing time and experience with. Even if we fell off. You made my life special at a certain time. We grew together, even if we grew apart. Thank you”. On that note I’m going to add that there are many many more goals to achieve. But for now, I’m just happy with the confidence that I am.. established. You could have knew me as “Candy”, you could’ve met me before I started the journey of finding myself, or during that difficult journey. Or maybe you met me during my older years and now know me as “Candace”. Please know YOU are apart of MY STORY :-). Let me know below if you’re reading, or if you want me to add you to my website. I’m sure we connect in some way. I might even have a story and/ or pictures to share!

 

10/2018    Started writing again about 6 months ago & it has honestly helped me evolve so much. I decided to move back to the 734 and leave my place outside of Dallas, TX. Moving out there alone with little family taught me a ton & I feel like I'm ready to make moves back in Detroit. Hopefully what I write about you can connect with, let me know you're here!!

 

1/2022     Even if you don't let me know you're here, and are simply reading on ghost mode I respect that also. I do encourage you though to take up blogging, or simply writing - it's such a great outlet. Especially for an introvert. ​